Renee

fill this out for me!

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 15:05:13 GMT

just do it please? pretty please?

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Renee+F

There's no denying it

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 15:58:22 GMT

I am.. an Animal Crossing:WW whore. There. I said it. There's nothing I'd rather do all day than to improve my town, stand at the edge of the ocean and fish, tend to my flowers and trees, and visit my animal neighbors.

It's like crack, but cuter.

If you'd like to visit my shabby town, just ask!

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 13:40:13 GMT

WELL, THAT was awkward. I feel like I might burn in hell for that one.

What's that you're wearing?

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 18:03:08 GMT

Sometimes I feel like no one ever shows or tells you what they're really feeling. Everyone has this front that they believe others want to see, and I'm kind of tired of that. I tend to think that things are going well for a stretch of time only to find out that someone in my life is pretty malcontent with me. Usually this sort of thing is expected, but there are times when the people i know best all of a sudden have a problem with me and I had no idea.

Why doesn't everyone just say how they feel, if you don't like me, say so. I may be hurt but it's better than having to pretend all the time. For example, at work, some bullshit rumor went around about me that whoever was paying me was wasting their money. NOW. First of all, this isn't my fault if I have no work, especially since it's my boss' duty to provide me with work. Second, if he doesn't have work for me I'll find work from someone else. Then after this whole fiasco of the 4th floor bitching and moaning about me was done, I get called up to my manager's office and she tells me that she really likes me and whatever but "some people" have told her that they feel i'm "too serious" and that i'm "hurt when they talk to me". UHHHHHHH.... i'm not sure what too serious means, seeing that i don't really talk to too many people around here and if I do interact with any of the people in my department I'm very pleasant and nice. Second of all, referring to the being hurt, I can only think of one person who would say that about me and that's my boss. I can only assume that he's referring to when he told me that people felt they were wasting money on me and a bunch of other not so nice things. Now lets see, if someone told YOU that people felt that you were a waste of time and money, how would you feel? hurt?! I would imagine so. This place can be such bs sometimes. I'd like to get a fulltime position here but I don't know about all this office politics crap.

It also seems that once again, nothing I do is ever satisfying enough for anyone so maybe what I should really do is stop trying.

Give me a job someone.

Lately I've been faced with the possibility that I might have to make a decision of whether or not I would move somewhere else if my bf were to find a job elsewhere. I'm not sure what I'd do. What if I did go with him and couldn't make any friends or couldn't get a job? what then? that would be horrible. Or what if, by the grace of God, that I got an amazing career started here and he had to go? I don't know if I could turn down the chance to 1.make good money 2.have a real career. Bah, I guess I'll just cross that bridge when it comes.

I think it's strange that though I've known Jessie for 4 years, I don't talk to her nearly as much as I do with Sheila. Sometimes I miss Jessie, but other times I don't. That's bad huh... I'd like to see her again sometime soon. I'm really excited that Sheila is going to be living so near me come september, we'll be able to hang out all the time. I think she's pretty cool. I think next thursday I'm going to go check out some apartments with her. No, I'm not living with her, I'm just accompanying her on her search. It's weird that she and I talk as much as we do considering I only got to know her in my last semester at UMASS. I think it's important for me to keep in contact with everyone.

I had a discussion with a bunch of co-workers about getting married and how some couples seperate themselves from everyone else after they got together. I think I'm like that and I'm trying to change. I think of when I get married and I invite all these people but they won't come because the last time i talked to them was over 5 years ago or something crazy like that. What if the time came and I had to pick my bridesmaids and they were all people that I didn't really know anymore? I think I would be very sad that day.

Lately it seems that Chris isn't so happy. I think I can tell when he's unhappy even though the majority of our conversations are online. I wonder if it has anything to do with me, sometimes I feel like it does. Though I think what is really bothering him are his relationships. He talked about wanting to move to cali and when he said that all i could think was that he must be very tired of the people that surround him here. I don't really think of Chris as the travelling type, so the only reason I could come up with was that there must be people in his life that either dissapoint him or he feels he's dissapointing to. It makes me sad because I love him a lot and I don't want him to feel that way, maybe I'm not doing something right. I drew him a picture of a dinosaur today so hopefully that made his day a little better.

Sigh...

you should have known better than to lean on me.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 13:59:56 GMT

SO, I've been working at Genzyme for the past couple of weeks. Racking up the cash, all to dispense on the repair of the car that i smashed at sullivan square. Ah well. I've been pretty conscious about who and how i'm spending my time lately. Trying to fit in my bf, and my family who are both pretty demanding on time is difficult. I noticed that I don't really spend a whole lot of time with my friends. Trying to make more of an effort but anytime they're getting together I have something I need to do. HOWEVER, I've seen Chris a few times since I've been back which is phenomenal. I like seeing him, he makes me happy. Also, I'll be playing v-ball with mish today, and SURELY I will be sore as hell. I need to be more active anyhow.

Father's day was yesterday, figured my dad would like to go a more expensive restaurant and get the most expensive meal he could find. That's ok though, it was dad's day.

I'd like to see Beth at some point in time, I bet her baby is much bigger now. I really wanted to see it when she was super small. If anyone wants a fresh graduate that knows how to work in a lab let me know! I'm ready to leave Genzyme unless of course they would be so gracious as to give me a real job instead of this crappy bitchwork job.

My eyes itch...
Renee

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 18:37:58 GMT

Nothing like ending college with a 4.0 final semester. Ahhhhh... it feels so good.
Working at Genzyme indefinitely, i'm hoping to save for a car of my own. I hope all of you are having a good start of the summer!

see you around

Sat, 21 May 2005 00:26:05 GMT

I feel like no matter what I do or what I say, nothing will ever get better. Any decision I make makes things worse for someone else, all because I'm trying to please someone else. I don't know what to do. What I feel like is I'm going through life alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. The world is a cold place, and just when you think it's getting warmer because you've found someone, sometimes it just gets colder.

I'm graduating. yay.

Fri, 20 May 2005 07:00:32 GMT

STOP CONFUSING ME. i have 3 days to go, and I don't want to leave college this way. Happy, Happy, Happy, everything will be ok.

Sun, 08 May 2005 16:36:14 GMT

you annoy me. I've spent my entire college time, trying to be your bestfriend, look out for you, take care of you, and give you advice. I never expect you to take my advice and that's ok, everyone needs to learn from their mistakes. Lately I feel like you care for no one but yourself, and I let you be that way because I understand that you have a lot going on with your ex bf who is a psycho and you're trying to get your shit together to graduate. I told you a few days ago that I thought you were getting out of control, running around in your underwear, being OK with the fact that everyone has seen your 'tits', drinking in the middle of day, and being with this new guy 1 DAY after you broke up with the other. I told you you have a lot to lose being this way, what do you want to be remembered as? The dumb college girl who had no self control and willingly flashed everyone? Don't you want to be remembered as the girl who was smart, outgoing, and beautiful? It seems like you are leaving me in the dust. Everytime you did this, I let you. This is because we don't share the common past time as you do with all other college students of drinking. It annoys me that you can't drink to socialize. You drink to get plastered. You do and say things you regret. you CANT REMEMBER. Then I try to put the pieces back together because you're in such torment and I believe you're asking for my help. So I do this for you, and I expect nothing but your friendship in return. I don't need you to buy me things, because money is not a problem for me. I get really sad, to the point where I want to cry because I'm always in the dust for you. I know you've helped me before, and I appreciate that. You've heard me cry, and you've tried your best to invite me to your functions which always involve drinking and you KNOW that I can't do that. So here you are, sans boyfriend, and happy that you are free. I thought that maybe this would mean that for the last 2 weeks that we'll see each other, we could spend more time. I know you have a billion friends but you always said I was your best. I don't feel that way anymore. I may be your bestfriend to cry on, but otherwise, you put in the back of your closet. I feel like I'm someone you can't wait to leave behind. I'm part of your life here at Amherst, and when you leave here, you can leave me. I don't think I've felt this hurt in a while, not even a boyfriend could make me hurt like this. You spend all your time with matt, who isn't even your boyfriend. When you're not with matt you are with kierie. And when you're not with either, you are with everyone else. I can't believe you would tell me that I was such a great friend and leave it at that. I'm so hurt, and you'll never know because I want you to enjoy the rest of your days here and hopefully create some good memories to leave here with. Maybe Matt is better for you, maybe you got lucky and he's the one or something. Friends are forever, boyfriends come and go, but friends can only be forever if you show them you want them to be. Maybe I do try too hard to help others. I guess it really is a bad thing, for me and for you.

So, I wish you the best in life. I will always remember you as the most upbeat, outgoing, and overall good person that you are. Maybe we'll hear from each other in the future, that would be nice.

As for someone else, I have loved you for years, and I believe I could for many more. It is difficult for me to be with you, in the sense that you are so unhappy all the time. You complain about massachusetts, you hate your job. You are unhappy with life. You snap at me when I try to think of things that would be helpful like maybe taking a class, or looking for a new job. You tell me "I don't know what class, I don't know what I can do". I don't know either, but I do know that you are very smart and you have a lot of potential but you'd much rather sit there and stare your misery in the face. I'm not enough for you. I CANNOT look for a job for you, I can't sign you up for classes. You don't like that I'm going to try to live with my family again. I understand that. What you need to understand is that I can't give up on my own family. No matter how badly I want to leave them behind, they are a part of me just as much as you are. They bring me a lot of grief, but I MUST love them. At least I should try my very best to. You suggest that I buy a car, or else, how would I ever get a job? This makes sense, but the one problem with that is that I don't have a permanent job. Seems kinda stupid to me to try to buy a car that I am not sure I could pay for. I thought last night, of how i would spend my money that I got from my job this summer. I would get about 400 bucks a week. 200 would go to pay for the car, 100?( i don't know how much car insurance is) would go to insurance, 100 would go to pay for my school. That leaves me with 0 dollars after every month. So, basically what I'm trying to say is that it's kind of hard for me to go ahead and buy a car when it's really not pheasable for me at this point in time. So I'm sorry now if you think you're wasting your time with me, I know I've told you many time before that I would come live with you but I just can't. I'm sorry if I've failed you, or dissapointed you.

I just want you to be happy, I want all of you to be happy. I want my family to be happy, but I just can't do it. I can't make all of you happy, I keep trying and trying and trying and I don't think it's important to consider what I feel just so long as I can make you happy.

If I died tomorrow, would you forget me in a week? a month? a year? Who cares. I could never love any of you enough to make you happy.

I am sorry.

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 03:26:54 GMT

I just wanted people to see Beth's beautiful baby, though I'm sure if you know her you check her blog all the time but I want to keep one here just for the hell of it.

Isn't she sooooo cute?

Anyhow, I've got a second interview with Repligen next monday and an interview with Genzyme this Friday. We'll see how this goes. I'm not sure I want the job at Repligen but a job is better than no job at all.

I've met some new people lately in my biotech lab class who are pretty cool. Jon is a riot, and Sheila is just a sweet girl all together. I'm kind of sad that I didn't get to meet them before my senior year but what can you do. I think both will be in boston this summer so that'll be cool.

I miss people...
Renee

What it means to be normal

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 05:14:33 GMT

Today I came up with my own personal revelation and that is, when you think of normal, you're really thinking of perfect. When you ask "why can't my parents be normal?" you're really wishing that they were perfect. When you ask "why can't my bf/gf be normal?" you're asking, "why can't he/she be perfect?" I'm not sure why the word normal was ever created. Perhaps to distinguish what is desirable from the undesirable. Everyone wants to lead a normal life, but as we all know, a perfect life is damn near impossible. Think of all those extraordinary people in your life. Those that care more about others than they care about themselves, self made millionaires. Would you call them normal? No. So not being normal can be a good thing too!

So really, be ok with not being normal. Think of it as not being perfect, and as they say, no ones perfect. I'd like to think i'm the first person to come up with this idea but probably not. Though I did see a few away message pertaining to my thoughts, as well as a few comments. Please feel free to add your ideas.

Defy the norm, you probably already do.

Renee

Asian women and White men

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 20:55:57 GMT

There's been a great deal of discussion amongst my friends why Asia women date white men. My dear friend, after i told her i found an article about why white men prefer asian women became somewhat upset over how white men are going after asian women and said out loud "if these white guys love the asian girls so much why don't they just go to asia or something and get them there". I was a little bit offended by this comment because to me it sounded like she was saying "white men should only like white women". In reality, after a discussion with her, she meant that she was frustrated with how they don't even look at white women anymore and that they go straight for the asians. She was offended by my being amused by the fact that it's true that some men prefer asians and that I happened to be asian.

I date a white guy, and I love him a lot. Someone asked me once what race i prefered to date and i'm pretty sure i immediately said white boys. Now that i think about that some more, I'm not sure if i came to that conclusion myself or the media and society has made me do so. I've tried dating asian men before, and it honestly wasn't a great experience. I don't think i necessarily prefer white men, I think i'm really just looking for certain qualities in a man that it just so happens my white boyfriend has. If an asian guy had those qualities, I would date him too. The first guy I ever fell in love with was chinese, so now i can comfortably say that I'm not racist when it comes to dating.

I feel sorry for asian men, because in the end it is the hardest for them to find a girlfriend with asian women being taken up by the white guys. White girls dont want to date asian men either.

Here is my own explanation for why white men 'prefer' asian women. It's all about diversity for them. Change, a little experience of every color of the rainbow. I can't even tell you how many guys have told me that they've always wanted to get in bed with an asian, and to me that just sounds like "i want to test ride every model because it's fun". So it's not about preference, it's about trying new things. I think if you're a white guy and you believe that asian women are submissive, you've got another thing coming. Asian women aren't going to be your servant so look elsewhere.

Now, if you're truly interested in the person that you are seeing and she just happens to be asian, then good for you. I have no problem with that so long as you're interested in her. Not just her looks, her physique, and what you THINK she's like, but what she really is inside and out.

To the white women, I really don't think you're suffering some kind of severe shortage of men, so share the wealth. For example, my friend (mentioned above) has had MANY MANY MANY men interested in her so I simply can't feel sorry for that. You just can't have them all, deal with it. There's nothing to complain about.

awesome.

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 03:25:05 GMT

I got a phone call from some random number that left me a message on my cell today. I was thinking... i don't know anyone from that area code, I wonder who it could be? Checked the message and WOWZA, it's a woman asking if I was still intersted in the job that I had applied for at her company. I'm thinking, oh crap I don't even remember which company this is i've sent out so many applications. I quickly run home, research the company and the position and give her a call. She sounds like she wants to kill every human being in sight and after she finds out I've been doing lab work she starts with the technical questions. "Describe to me the process of gel electrophoresis." Seriously people, who asks that kind of in dept question on the first phone call? yeesh! good thing i knew it off the top of my head and I had just fnished running a gel. So after that she asked me to come in for an inteview. Maybe i have my biotech class to thank for this, if I get the job.

*crosses fingers*

oh yea, i'm so happy baby anna is healthy and happy. yay for beth!

Renee

uh huh yea that's right

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 22:34:50 GMT

That's me baby. I'm pretty nerdy and i'm damn proud. ahahahahaha! sweet....

almost went to the emergency room this weekend because when i went snowboarding i bashed my head so hard i was spitting up blood but i was too scared of the doctors there so i opted out. so hopefully i'll be ok. wish i coulda gone with the crew. =/

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 17:02:12 GMT

I'm completely unhappy with my life, I don't know where I'm going, what I'm going to do, what I want to do or anything. MAYBE what i REALLY need is sleep and everything will go away. Yea... sleep..

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 06:52:04 GMT

create your own visited states map

i swear I've been to more places than that.. maybe i've just been to multiple places inside of those states or something. ah well

long time no post

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 06:45:03 GMT

Today while playing a simple scrim, the opposing team had discerned that i was a girl and promptly told me that any girl who was good at CS cheated as well as that 65% of all female gamers cheated. I don't know where he got this number, it seemed rather arbitrary and frankly I don't think female gamers would cheat anyhow.

Yes, I'm very proud of being a female gamer, it's my way of being a feminist I guess. Every woman is a feminist and there's nothing wrong with that. If you care about your education and how your pay rate compares to others in the US and you're a female, you ARE a feminist. I just finished reading an article about female gamers and I'm glad that there are all female teams out there doing decently in the world of professional gaming. I'd love to do that, play games for a living, that'd be AWESOME!

Maybe I was born a gamer, I remember playing games on my old old oldddd comp that used REAL floppy disks and playing games like J-bird (which i was really bad at because i couldn't hack the 3D thing back then), frogger and that parachute game where you tried to shoot down parachuters before they hit the ground and blew up your cannon. I started my gaming addiction with starcraft, my brother introduced me to it, all he wanted was someone to practice with and i volunteered, it was great. I got to high school in the US and found people like Frank and Meng who played and we probably played every night on 56k dial up. That's where my real love of gaming came in, I met all kinds of people playing that game including my first few friends at UMass. Soon after, Eugene showed us DDR and my god, everyone who knows me knew how crazy i got about that. I loved competing and yes it's true I like being the solo girl in a guy dominated gaming world. I'd say I did fairly well when I was at my peak DDR'ing abilities, got into some tournaments and came in 2nd in the very first tournament I entered. I was the only girl there and I was totally psyched.

Enter CS; I think I've been playing CS for 4 years now and it has taken me forever to become as 'decent' as I am. I'm not extraordinary by no means and I'm not exactly the kind of person that gets asked "leagues?" or receives the comment "yea nice walls" a whole lot. I'm not sure why I stick with this game, I guess it's because it's something that I've been working at for so long I just want to be respected for being as good as or better than most guys. I HATE HATE HATE when guys resort to calling me a slut, or a whore for beating them and though I shouldn't take them seriously I can't help it sometimes. It's so much easier to be mean online because they'll probably never see me again and they're probably 15 y.o's anyhow but still, there are older people out there who just can't deal with it. I'm grateful for the people that I've met through CS, they've been some of the greatest people I've ever known. I don't regard most of the people I play CS with as 'internet people' but rather my friends. I have probably met every single person I've played CS with a lot, in person. Hell, I play for a team now and we've been in cal-im for the past few seasons. We've made it to the playoffs for OGL-advanced and I guess it's nice to know that I'm good enough to be counted on to play in a match occassionally. Sometimes I still feel like I'm treated differently because I'm the girl of the team. Even when i've just done something that if a guy did the same, the team would congradulate or tell them "nice try" for, I don't get the credit and that's frustrating. It's even more frustrating to know that I am performing better than other teammates and yet they still choose them over me, is it because I'm a girl? I don't know, all I know is that I've proved to them that I can keep up and that I can make a contribution. I've got my own things to work on like not getting caught with grenades out but still. I may not be as experienced as some of the starters but I'm learning quickly and I'll never be better if they don't let me play. Maybe what I need is a new team or something.

holy shit, I've written a lot on gaming just now and I'm starting to think I'm super nerdy. There's no denying my dedication to games.. haha! I'd like to be known for gaming some day, that'd be cool and maybe get a chance to redo my National Public Radio interview because that was SO embarassing... I was so bad back then. >_< Hopefully no one can find that clip, I know of only 2 people who still have it and maybe it's gone now.

It's late, i'm a geek and ignore this entry if you think i'm weird.

goodnight!
Renee

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes.

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 08:43:46 GMT

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. We're all human. Just make sure you realize your mistake as soon as possible and keep further damages from happening.

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 19:23:39 GMT

I always feel so lonely. I hate being at school and i'm constantly miserable. I try so hard not to bring people down with me and i just end up not talking to anyone. I'm ready to be done with school and leave this hell hole that doesn't give a shit about people in my major.

Most of my friends have graduated from school and that just adds to my being lonely. I'm glad that mish has been trying to get the old crew together. As usual she's the dependable get-togetherer.

It just makes me cry so hard because all i really want is to be given a hug.

Sometimes just letting someone be upset is a good thing sometimes. People just need to get it out of their systems. Telling them "I don't understand why you're so sad, what do you want me to do. Will YOU STOP being upset?" probably isn't the best way to deal with things... it just makes me even more upset and even less likely to talk to anyone about it.

anyhow, i'm going to spend the day moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I'll probably go for a swim later on.

Wed, 26 May 2004 05:36:13 GMT

where's my ring? LOL... who am i kidding....

journal worthy: I'm working at Genzyme this summer in Cambridge so i hope to see all you boston peeps.

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 18:20:58 GMT

Wow. this has been a monster week! I just got promoted to supervisor at one of my jobs, and I also got promoted to being a researcher at my other job. Things are looking ggggrreeattt!!!

Also, I've been trying to be better about getting in shape. I met a girl named Emily the other day and we finally got around to going for a ride together. She's in much better shape than I am. Then again, I'm sure lots of people are in better shape than me but that's ok.

This weekend I'm not going home. This will be the first time.. in a couple months that I didn't go home on the weekend. The good thing is that Jessie will be here! so i'm happy about that.

I hope things are going well for everyone!

Genzyme!

Mon, 26 Apr 2004 20:08:50 GMT

I DID IT! i got an internship at genzyme corporation!!!!!!!!!!!!! this summer is gonna be awesome! wohoo!!! i feel so.. great right now! Today is the best day ever!

I got an internship, I got a paper back ang got an A, I got 3 packages in the mail that had clothes and candy in them, and an expectedly large paycheck! YAAA!!!

i'm all smiles!

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 01:32:44 GMT

this one is for adam!

a happy entry!

so, these days i've been busting my butt to get a good grade in all my classes. So far so good! I've gotten above 90's on all my first exams and i'm really happy about that. Finally on spring break, peace and quiet from the noisy dorm. It's just good to be back for a little while at least.

now i'm going to play some games cuz.. games make renee happy!

Encouragement.

Tue, 10 Feb 2004 20:56:26 GMT

I finally got the encouragement that i've been needing for the longest time. I had a class today in which we learned how to write a good resume. I was pretty eager to learn about that sort of thing since i'll be applying for summer jobs and internships and such. After the class, i went to talk to the speaker and she told me to meet with her in her office later on.

I went to talk to her, originally about my resume and cover letter, but i ended up talking to her about my parents and how they tell me that i'm not doing anything with my life. I think she really felt bad for me, but the best thing she said to me was that someone like me will be sucessful in life. she said that she had no doubt that i would be able to do whatever i wanted to do in life. She told me that anyone who works two jobs and is putting themselves through school would make it in life. I really felt like she was being sincere and it was a huge boost. I really needed that. She told me that i should go to health services and talk to someone. this means she thinks i should get some help from a psychologist.... she said "i dont think you a have a mental problem, but maybe you should go talk to someone there about how to deal with your parents." that was um... kinda scarey.. I'm not sure if i'm willing to believe that things are as bad as that. that i need to talk to a professional about all of this.

anyhow, i'm feeling a little better about my grim future. i'll make it, i know i can.

oh, and on a great note, jessie, my roomie, got her 2nd internship at NBC. She got the first one for this semester, 1 of 5 people in this country that got it, and even got another one for the summer! she's goin places in life and i'm really proud of her.

I'm living in a single now and it's not too bad i guess. I live next to jay and alex and that's really cool cuz i like to hang out with them. its really noisy in this room though, with both my neighbors blasting music and people running around on the floor above me. otherwise, living in my own room is pretty sweet.

time for work now.. just felt the need to record a little bit of encouragement.

Tue, 20 Jan 2004 00:51:34 GMT

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes

[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

Numb - Linkin Park

also very fitting...